St Peter and Lucifer sit on twin bronze thrones encrusted with amethysts and citrines. Enter a deceased human. She is a redhead in a contrasting long emerald robe.S Peter: You may be surprised to know that you are not being judged.
Lucifer: On the contrary. It is up to you to decide where you want to go
Woman: Huh?
S Peter: You can choose heaven or hell.
Woman: Why would I choose hell, for God's sake?
Lucifer: Not so fast. I suspect you have not been well informed.
Woman: OK. Tell me.
S Peter: The protocol is that I speak first. Basically, you can choose to be with the blessed or the accursed.
Woman: What do you say, Mr Lucifer?
Lucifer: Denizens of heaven are classed as blessed by convention. The term has no meaning.
S Peter: The convention is there for a good reason.
Lucifer: The reason being that you like to hoodwink people.
Woman: Now, you two, let's keep this civil.
S Peter: Good point. In heaven you will rub shoulders with the saints, prophets and angels.
Woman: (To Lucifer) Is this true?
Lucifer: Sure, but they are proverbially dull.
Woman: And what are the residents of hell like?
S Peter: Renegades, black sheep, hobos, hair shirts, marginal types.
Lucifer: That's what he calls free-thinkers and creatives.
Woman: What about conditions of life?
S Peter: Comfortable huts with all conveniences, light labour.
Lucifer: He's fibbing. Truth is both hell and heaven offer substandard accommodation. No technology, no flush toilets.
S Peter: Well, it's all a matter of comparison. If you lived a life of great comfort then you might find existence here a step down.
Lucifer: More like several staircases to the basement.
Woman: And it's similar in both heaven and earth?
S Peter: There are similarities, but we have an ambitious building programme.
Lucifer: Yes, building more churches.
Woman: How else do your two domains differ?
S Peter: Hell is cold, severely so. You won't like it!
Lucifer: Heaven is sizzling hot. You can put on more layers, but you can't shed your skin. Also, in hell you can have two desserts.
S Peter: Yes, but the servings are small and we are looking to revamp our menu to gourmet level.
Lucifer: Heaven is alcohol free.
S Peter: True, but alcohol is very pricey in hell.
Woman: You mean there is a currency?
Lucifer: Yes, mammons in hell and indulgences in heaven.
Woman: So we have to work to earn money to buy food?
Lucifer: This should be familiar.
S Peter: Did you expect free lunch? Heaven and hell have their own currency. Naturally, you cannot convert one to the other.
Woman: So how do we earn it?
S Peter: Mainly by working in construction.
Woman: Building what?
Lucifer: Like I said, churches, chapels, cathedrals in heaven..
Woman: And in hell?
Lucifer: Well, my palace needs renovation.
S Peter: You can say that again! And what about Satan's?
Lucifer: In truth, there is a bit of a competition between us, friendly, of course.
S Peter: Of course!
Woman: What are the working hours?
S Peter: Only 30 per week, and in heaven there are many saints' day holidays.
Lucifer: True, but you spend those days chanting interminable hymns.
S Peter: It lifts the spirits.
Woman: What about hell? Any advantages there?
Lucifer: Of course. A strict policy of no over-time, unlike in his place.
S Peter: That's a myth!
Lucifer: It's your choice whom to believe.
Woman: I don't trust either of you.
Lucifer: I suggest you do the free tour of both domains and then decide. There is one starting in 20 minutes.
S Peter: Don't forget to tip the tour guide!