Two bearded physicists, both in their forties, die together in a collision with the superior mass of a semi-trailer. They are immediately migrated to a desolate, windswept, rocky plateau. There is a well, donkeys and some ramshackle wooden huts, bereft of TV aerials. There is a faint but unmistakable aroma of fresh manure."What the hell? I thought Heaven would be classier than this dump!"
"You swallowed what the priests promised."
"I want out! I didn't devote my life to good deeds for this shit."
"Be grateful you're not in Hell."
"How do you know Hell is worse?"
"I guess I don't. It gets a poor press, though."
"Let's find out."
"How?"
"Easy, check wikipedia."
"Do you have a phone?"
"No, but I noticed a laptop in one of the huts."
They break a window and enter the hut.
"Luckily, it's not password protected."
"Type in Hell."
"I just did. It looks the same as here."
"Yes, the photos look much the same. Ask AI about the differences."
"It says the main difference is that Heaven is too hot, and Hell too cold."
"Is that all?"
"There's lots more, but they all seem pretty minor."
"The devil is in the detail."
"Now that you mention him, management is different. In Hell, power is shared by Lucifer and Satan, whereas Heaven is run by a committee of angels and prophets."
"Check out TrustPilot."
"They both rate 1.3 out of 5. It says Hell is more honest, but working conditions are tougher. Heaven is less predictable, with rampant hypocrisy and some unpleasant surprises."
"Do we have to work?"
"In Heaven, you toil building churches for sundry saints, in Hell, you quarry marble to extend the palaces of the head honchos. In both, the housing is minimal basic, with no flush toilets."
"Does God reside in Heaven?"
"According to heavenly sources, yes. But it seems no-one has ever seen him or her."
"So if God didn't set up things, who did?"
"Good question. Let's see whether the AI knows the answer."
A pause, while the AI analyses data.
"It says that the Higgs field provides time, space and matter, making all this possible."
"You mean as in the Higgs boson, the godawful particle?"
"I think."
"Never mind. What about the grub?"
"The same caterer supplies both. But wait! Hell lets you have two desserts and Heaven is alcohol-free."