Lilith, the Authorised Biography
Various authoritative sources in the medieval Jewish Kaballah concur that Lilith was the first wife of Adam. Their relationship was rocky, though they reconciled each morning, afternoon and evening, during relations. One fine day (exactly as fine as every day in The Garden), bearded Adam woke up even grumpier than usual.
He grasped Lilith's pale hand and marched her forcibly through the polychrome fields to the orchard. Here abounded fruit of every kind that God had the capacity to imagine. It was a kaleidoscope of colour and also one of fruity and floral scents, especially those of magnolia flowers. The naked couple passed among verdant trees, which lacked a single dead leaf, until Adam stood her before an unprepossessing specimen, a spindly and twisted trunk with a dense umbrella of dark leaves as canopy. A few of its oval, orange-sized fruits were visible. Unlike the other trees, this one had red and white tape on rusted metal rods around it, forming an unsightly cordon.
On the tape was written, "Stop! Do not pass this point. Do not pick fruit from this tree!"
Adam: "I want you to pluck that purple-red melon that hangs down near the trunk. I'm sure it tastes fabulous. Why else would they tell us not to try it?"
Lilith: "Pick it yourself! I'm not your servant."
"Didn't you swear to obey me when we were joined together?"
Lilith grimaced. "That was a formality. No woman with a brain could agree to such a preposterous demand."
"But you agreed, didn't you?"
She smirked. "Sure, but it was the only way to gain access to your nether parts. Just a technicality."
"You swore before the Almighty to uphold your end of the bargain. You are bound to obey."
Shrugging, "It's just a piece of paper, only good for mopping up a spillage. Not even useful for wiping your bottom."
"How dare you! I will report you for your insolence."
"Report away. I am a free spirit. I am bonded to sex and nothing else. Do you lack the guts to pick it yourself? Are you man enough to do it?"
So saying, she turned her back and started walking away.
Furious, Adam looked around for any busybody angels before jumping over the tape. He grabbed the fruit and then moved back into safety. He took a huge bite, causing purple juice to spill over his eager hands. Within seconds, he had consumed all of it. He hurriedly wiped his wet hands clean on the grass and did his best to look innocent. The melon had been heavenly, a perfect blend of sourness and sweetness, with a touch of spice.
He was about to go for seconds, when a shadow passed over him. Gliding high overhead, glistening brightly in sunlight, one of the lesser angels was on patrol duty. This androgenous being swooped down and noticed that a fruit had been removed from The Tree.
Angel, "Who did this?"
Adam, "Lilith, who else? She is always breaking the rules. You know that."
Lilith didn't bother to counter the lie.
"This is a serious offence. I must report it immediately."
The angel ascended rapidly and soon was just a speck in the sky.
The rest is history, though, of course, it was a history written by the patriarchy. Lilith was tried and found guilty. Expulsion followed.
Yet her story had a happy ending, or rather, middle. For as she brushed through the dry clouds, she chanced to meet the archangel Samael, who in common with all males (except the Boss), fell for her charms like a wounded comet.
Adam had been (understandably) rough around the edges and his knowledge of female psychology was negligible. No-one had taught him manners or how to treat a woman. Samael was more refined, not to mention angelic in spades. What woman would not swap Adam for an angel?
Lilith and Samael enjoyed each other immensely, but not for long. Samael, being slim, tall and super-refined, was a perfectionist. He wanted Lilith to change her hairstyle, as it was too long and unruly. She refused, saying it was part of who she was. It was non-negotiable. Samael grumbled, but did not take the matter further.
A more serious dispute cut to the core of their relationship. Simply put, Lilith was dominant during sex. She insisted on being on top, whereas having a missionary calling, the archangel wanted her below. Samael cited his elevated position in the celestial hierarchy to bolster his case. But Lilith had zero respect for authority, except for that of her hormones. She told him he could learn to like her as she was, or call it off. A stickler for legality, Samael took the matter upstairs.
"O Hallowed Lord, she has exceeded her licence. She refuses to submit to my will. I ask you to annul our union on the grounds of incompatibility."
God to Lilith, "What do you have to say?"
"Nothing."
The result was predictable. "We suffer not a woman to act like a man. Be gone!"
Lilith exited the olive-wood courtroom without a glance at Him or Samael. She was done with the heavenly realm, as they were with her. She requested a transfer to an obscure backwoods planet, known locally as Earth. Seeing she was nothing but trouble, her wish was granted immediately.
Once she hit the ground, her first action was to check the calendar. It was July 2025. As it happened, 2025 was her favourite number, which she took as a positive omen.
How to do what she did best in this new environment? The way forward was to choose a career that exploited her talents. Not knowing human life, as it had changed somewhat since the time of Abel and his brother, she resolved to experiment with varying genres of seduction, to see which one suited her. Accordingly, she fronted up at Universal Studios and methodically seduced every male, all the way to the blue leather casting couch in the penthouse. Needless to say, she captured the lead part in the forthcoming block buster. She was to play herself in a mock-Biblical soft-porn epic.
On set, she set all the men on fire, so that many were not fit for work the next morning. This substantially delayed the filming.
Her acting ability was nil, as she could only be herself. She was all sincere sexuality; dissembling was beyond her. However, this didn't matter because of her charisma, her blatant sex appeal, and most of all, because she did not need to act. She simply behaved naturally, within the confines of the script, which was revised multiple times at her suggestion, mostly to include extra scenes of passion.
Lilith not only knew that sex sells. Everyone knew that. What she knew that the scriptwriter and director did not, was that the most important part of sex was not the act itself, but the inner experience. In other words, the fantasy. Furthermore, she understood the male psyche better than all the psychoanalysts since Freud.
Since the sets were elaborate and the actors many, the film's production cost was indecent, but it grossed ten times more. Lilith used the fame garnered by her exposure to launch a website, reinventing herself as an influencer. The other influencers could not compete. Not only did Lilith know, at the most intimate level, the workings of the nether male brain, she had an additional talent. This was to impart her knowledge to females who wanted to attract or retain a male, and there were still many of these. Thus her appeal was massive for both sexes. Essentially, her message was to put the 'x' back into sex, and she knew myriad ways of doing so. Soon, her following billowed, verging on the astronomical.
Yet this success did not satisfy Lilith. She needed something more direct and connecting.
Thus came the day she pioneered virtual sex. This was a simulation that stimulated all six senses, even proprioception (which was often ignored). In a virtual sex act. Henceforth, at any given moment, she was engaged in sexual congress with untold numbers of males.
Tad Boniecki
June 2025
